Mike: (telling a joke) ...and the drunk guy says, "I can't help being an idiot, I'm Canadian!"

Crow: (laughs) You're right, they're so pathetic, Mike!

(whistle blows, Tom comes in wearing Mountie uniform)

Tom: Enough! There's been too much Canada-bashing for far too long! I say: no more!

Mike: Don't you mean: "No more, eh"?

Crow: (laughs) Good one, man! They are SO stupid!

Tom: Stop it now! Instead, let us offer our Northern brothers and sisters this song of tribute!

(music starts)

(singing) Oh, I wish I was back in old Canada,
A land which I never shall lampoon!
How I pine for the ice covering Lake Manitoba,
And the beauty that is Saskatoon!

Mike: (spoken) I got one.

(Singing) Oh, I wish I was stuck in the hills of Alberta,
Drinking beer with some big dumb guy trapping fur!

Tom: (spoken) Hey!

Mike: (singing) As he scraped and chiseled all the moose dung off his boots,
I would learn that he's the Prime Minister!

Tom: (spoken) Oh, stop that!

Crow: (singing) Oh, I wish I was in the land gave us Peter Jennings,
Alanis Morissette, Mike Myers, too!

Tom: (spoken) Yeah!

Crow: (singing) No, I take that back, I wouldn't go there even if you paid me,
Oh, Canada, you are a place I must eschew!

Tom: (spoken) Now, this is NOT in the spirit I intended!

Mike: Oh, come on, give in! I mean, after all, they gave us Ed the Sock and Rush!

Crow: Yeah, what are you defending? They're such feebs!

Tom: Okay, I'll try!

Mike: All right! Good man!

Tom: (singing) Oh, I wish I was blowing up Prince Edward Island,
And going on to bomb Ontario!
The destruction of Canada and all of its culture,
Is by far my fav-o-rite scenario!

Mike: (spoken) Okay, that's a little strong...

Tom: (interrupting, spoken) No, no, you were right, Mike, this is much more fun!

(singing) Just where the hell does Canada get off sharing a border
With countries far superior to it?

Crow: (spoken) Yikes!

Tom: (singing) Why, you lousy, stinking, francophonic, bacon-loving bastards,
Your country's just a giant piece of sh...(Mike leaps on Tom and covers his mouth with his hand, while he and Crow shout "Hey! Whoa! Whoa!")

Mike: (spoken) I think that's enough. I think we've... Cambot, (music stops) okay, thanks. All right.

Tom: (sobbing) I'm sorry! I have no sense of proportion! I'm a disgrace to my uniform!

Mike: No, no, that's okay, calm down. Mustn't hate! Mustn't hate!

Crow: At least so overtly.

Mike: Exactly, right. Must disguise our hate, just a little. (commercial sign goes off) Okay, we'll be right back. (to Tom) It's okay, now, Dudley.

Tom: (still sobbing) Pardonez moi! Pardonez moi!