By Matthew Green
Howard lay in hospital waiting to die, when the nurse entered his private room.
"Doctor, you’ve got some visitors," she said.
"Away with you woman," he replied, "can’t you see I’m trying to die?"
"I’ll show them in," she said.
A trio of people entered, all a-clad in shiny unbreatheable coveralls, and wearing space helmets.
"This might be interesting," he muttered.
"Doctor Howard Frain it is a privilege to meet you," said one of the men.
"What is this? Who are you?"
"I am Ralburgle Spraughausen," said the man, "this is Tratrabnen Spraughausen, my wife," he said, gesturing towards the woman, "and this," gesturing at the other man, "is my good pal Fred."
"It’s so good to finally meet the messiah," said Tratrabnen.
"What?" said Howard.
"In our time, your teachings are followed by all," said Fred.
"What teachings?"
"The ones in your book," said Ralburgle, producing a hardback volume from within the depths of his coverall.
Howard peered at the cover. It read: ‘How to Live, by Doctor Howard Frain’.
"That sounds a bit like my autobiography, ‘How I Lived’," said Howard.
"Yes well, over the millennia it has been translated and re translated many times, a couple of altered words are to be expected."
"Over the millennia? What are you talking about?"
"We come from the future, to meet the great man who founded our very way of life," said Tratrabnen, waving her arm magnanimously.
"And why is the title wrong, when it was written in English, and this one is also English?" queried Howard.
"People in the future don’t speak English anymore, this was translated from the Earthish language."
"And what exactly makes you think I’m the messiah?"
"Well, take this for example," said Fred, comandeering the book and opening it at a seemingly random page, "and he slid along the water in the wake of the speeding boat" (quoth he) "and lo, it was magnificent."
"I did go water skiing once," said Howard.
"Okay, how about this," said Tratrabnen, snatching the book from Fred: "and he fell from the plane, and floated slowly to the Earth like a feather in the wind. Now explain that one," she said, a look of triumph on her face.
"Sky diving," said Howard.
Not to let the face of reason get in the way, Ralburgle had a quote too:
"And he said: ‘This child will die if not healed’, and his touch cured the boy, and he lived to be very old indeed. Explain that one," said he, a smug expression dominating his features.
"He had appendicitus," said Howard, "I operated, I’m a doctor it’s what I do!"
"Oh."
There came a single continuous beep from the
heart monitor, as Howard finally slipped from life.
In heaven, Howard saw Jesus.
He was arguing with Buddha.
"I’m obviously the messiah," said Jesus, "I’m the son of God."
"Son of God, nothing," came Buddha’s counter argument. "I reached true enlightenment."
"All you did was eat one grain of rice a day, that’s just self destructive."
Howard turned away, Grinning, secure in the knowledge that he was actually the messiah.
A hippie wandered by carrying a sign on a pole. It read: ‘I am the true messiah’.
Howard chortled.
"Freak," said he.
THE END