Worst Vacation Ever
By Matthew Green
Revule had been stuck in his space freighter for two weeks and was beginning to feel he might get cabin fever. He was three days ahead of schedule and decided he had enough time to stop off on some planet for a little rest and relaxation.
He started to scan for intelligent radio waves and soon picked up a transmission.
It showed some odd looking life forms which were covered by a strange cloth standing in a town with houses made out of wood and sand on the ground shooting some kind of firearm at each other.
"Whoa," he chuckled, "I wants me some of that."
And he set a course.
Samantha Hargreaves was bored. She worked at SETI, and had done for five years and was beginning to lose faith.
She glanced at the transmission monitor screen again.
Nothing.
Just standard background radiation.
She turned away from the screen and went back to eating her peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Several minutes passed, she finished her sandwich, and jumped so high she almost hit the ceiling when she heard the alarm which indicated a possible intelligent transmission had been received.
This had happened many times before and it had always happened to be a radio or television signal.
She traced where the transmission had originated from and it appeared to be in orbit around the Earth.
"Satellite TV," she sighed. "I might as well see what it is."
It appeared to be part of some strange science fiction film, with a very rubbery and obviously fake alien which was green and slimy and had tentacles and antennae. It was talking in an absurdly obvious fake language. Then the message repeated.
And again.
After an hour of this, Samantha began to grow bored. It also occurred to her that if it was satellite TV she would not have been able to view it without a decoder box. That left only one possibility.
The Trudgden County Observatory was situated in the remotest, most sparsely populated area of the USA, just like the Trugden County SETI outpost (for which Samantha worked).
Wendel Lark, the head of the Observatory, peered through the eyepiece at the region of the sky that Samantha had pointed out.
"It looks like some kind of man-made object," he observed.
"It certainly is not man-made," Samantha assured him.
"Do you know what you’re suggesting?"
Revule had been waiting for an answer from the surface of the little planet for hours now and was beginning to get more than a little peeved.
Suddenly the light on the dashboard began to flash, indicating there was a transmission incoming.
"’bout time," he muttered.
He flicked the open frequency switch.
President Harry Dunn looked at the visual image of the alien. He had to admit, it did look incredibly fake, like something from a ‘Troma’ film.
"Errm, greetings from planet Earth, err, visitor er, sir."
"Who are you?" Revule asked, warily.
"I am the President of the most powerful nation on the planet."
Revule didn’t expect a reception like this. He was only here for a little rest.
"How is it that we can understand you?" Dunn hastened.
"Universal translator. Request clearance to land."
"Well, it could take a while to arrange somewhere for you. This is quite a momentous occasion, you understand."
"Hm. I’m coming down now."
"Now?"
"I’m only here for a rest stop. I don’t need this."
The screen went blank.
"Samantha, get him back immediately."
"He’s stopped transmitting, Mr President. I can’t get him back."
Dunn screamed.
Revule had been watching Earth television for hours now, and decided the most exciting place on the planet was Las Vegas, situated in an area which was known to the natives as Nevada.
He landed his freighter just outside the City, and was shocked to find hundreds of bi-pedal primitives surrounding his vessel.
He slithered out, leaving a glistening trail behind him.
"Step back, nothing to see here," he insisted in vain.
They were following him.
"Don’t you people have lives?"
"Tell us the secrets of the Universe, oh sage from the skies," someone shouted from the crowd.
"What secrets?"
"Well, y’know, why are we here, what’s it all for, that kind o’ stuff."
"I don’t know any secrets. Now stop pestering me," he vociferated acrimoniously.
Air Force One (the presidents private plan) was heading, as fast as was possible, to Las Vegas so that the President could meet the alien face to face.
Revule threw the dice and both of them showed one dot on the top face.
"Wow, that’s one good throw, double ones, that’s what they call a... er... double upper, you win again."
"Is this money legal currency anywhere other than Earth?" revule enquired.
"Well, I’m sure it’s spendable somewhere else."
Revule didn’t agree.
Suddenly the president, with his hefty bodyguards emerged from the mesh of people.
"Alien, why are you on this planet?" Dunn demanded.
"Y’ know, a bit of a break from the hard slog of shipping freight."
"So why here? Why our planet?"
"I was just passing through."
"To us, confirmed contact with an alien life form is the most profound thing that could ever happen, and you tell you were just passing through?" Dunn was so angry he was shaking. He was on the verge of striking this ugly, slimy, rubber skinned freak right in it’s beady, stalk supported, tiny little eye.
"Man, I didn’t think you’d take this so personal. Lighten up."
"Will any other aliens be along this way anytime soon?"
"I doubt it," revule threw another double one. "I’m great at this game."
"Couldn’t you just give us the designs for your space ship, so we could build replicas and get into space?"
"That’d be a violation of trade laws, they’d lock me up for a zillion years."
"You really live that long?" Dunn was astounded.
"I was exaggerating, you poor excuse for an intelligent life form."
Dunn was very annoyed by this, and suddenly had an epiphany.
"Either tell us something about space that we don’t know or leave this planet."
"Fair enough."
As revule was leaving, the president heard him utter under his breath: "This place sucks, anyway."
Revule flew his spacecraft out of the solar system feeling more stressed out than when he’d arrived.
As far as Earth was concerned he was only sure about one thing. It was his worst vacation ever.
The End