Death By Toilet Brush
By Matthew Green
Harlan Gordan stood in the dock, waiting for the Judge to speak.
The Judge leaned forward, attempting to look menacing and failing dismally in the process.
"Harlan Gordan," said he, "you have been found guilty of the crime, either intentionally, or by accident, the Jury couldn’t quite decide on this matter," he cast a vengeful eye towards the Jury, many of whom had fallen asleep, "of stepping on a sleeping doberman's tail. For this crime I sentence you to death. By toilet brush!"
The sleeping members of the Jury ejected into consciousness, suddenly intrigued.
Harlan Gordan was equally baffled.
"Huh?" remarked he in a tone which communicated great incertitude.
"You see," continued the Judge, whom everyone had decided was now quite insane, "Death Row is full of people waiting to be executed with electricity. Criminals sometimes wait years before they’re finally dead."
Harlan saw fit to interrupt at this point: "And you see a problem with this?" said he.
The Judge ignored the last remark and continued: "You see, this way you can be put to death right now!"
At this point a man wearing a black hood which concealed his face entirely and carrying a toilet brush in his right hand entered the room. The look was spoiled by the cowboy boots and the mouldy old vest which during some distant aeon in Earth’s history had been white. Apparently.
The Executioner approached the judge (for those of you who lack nounce, the executioner is the guy in the black hood. Duh.) and stood looking from the judge to the toilet brush, a quite perplexed look on his face (although his face was concealed and therefore nobody else could actually see it, in case you think I forgot).
"So, how exactly am I supposed to kill the guy using this?" asked he.
"Shove it up his jacksie!" a particularly rowdy member of the Jury yelled.
"I sentence you to death by teddy bear!" came the Judge’s witty retort, at which point he discovered the joy of whacking his hammer off that circular part which is put on Judges’ desks for the sole purpose of whacking.
The bailiff escorted the uproarious jury member out of the courtroom, where he was taken to death row to await his ‘death by teddy bear’.
"Seriously, now how am I supposed to kill this guy with a cleaning implement? Are you listening to me?!"
The Executioner grabbed the Judge’s arm.
"Can you stop hitting your desk please?"
"Okay. Fine. I’ll just wait until everyone has gone and then I can do it as much as I want. What was the question? Oh yes, erm, well I leave it to your discretion."
The Executioner couldn’t argue with that.
While the toilet brush didn’t actually kill Harlan Gordan, he did have seriously problems going to the toilet from that day forward.
And who wouldn’t? After all, he did have a toilet brush lodged up his jacksie.
THE END