The Lighter Side of the New Australian Tax System
The new system is NUTS - the New Universal Taxation System - and although it may appear to
be complicated, it is easy to understand.
Basically, it is STUFFT -- the Simplified Tax Unit For Financial Transactions.
Major elements of NUTS include a number for each business entity -- an Australian Business
Utilisation Number (ABUN) which will be used during dealings with governments at all
levels.
Every business in Australia will get ABUN with NUTS.
The new system will simplify the way businesses report to the Australian Taxation
Collection Head Office Organisation (ATCHOO).
Businesses will be required to complete a Business Activity Statement Table And Report
Directive (BASTARD) every month.
Businesses should set aside at least three days every working week to fill the BASTARD
out.
Under the new system, every adult Australian taxpayer is classified as a SUCKER (Simple
Underpaid Consumer Keeping Everything Running), unless they are unemployed and receiving
Commonwealth benefits, in which case they are classified as a RATBAG (Registered Australian
Taxation Beneficiary Allowance Guarantee).
All SUCKERs and RATBAGs will be required to complete a DAFT (Direct Application For
Taxation) form.
The completed DAFT form will be assessed by a local MORON (Metropolitan Or Regional Outcome
Negotiator) who determines the amount of CRAP (Credited Refund Allowance Payment) the
taxpayer will receive.
Any SUCKER who wishes to appeal against the amount of CRAP received from the Government
should contact their local MORON, who will assess the appeal and classify it as either
STUPID (Secondary Temporarily Unpaid Portion of Individual Donation) or IDIOTIC
(Income-Derived Individual Obligatory Taxation Instalment Credit).
If you are a RATBAG, you will not be entitled to ABUN with NUTS
You will need to apply for the new allowance provided jointly by both State and Federal
Governments, JOB (Joint Organisation Benefit). Any RATBAG who does not apply for a JOB can
get STUFFT.
From July 1, when all of Australia goes NUTS, small businesses need to submit a
fortnightly General Allocation Rebate For Business And Goods Estimate (GARBAGE) report to
the Department for Untaxed Merchandise and Produce (DUMP).
Your GARBAGE must be sent to the DUMP before the 30th of each month.
All small businesses must be registered as Business Utilising Sales Tax (BUST) by June 30th,
and small businesses employing more than 2.7 persons on a regular full-time basis must give
each employee the Statutory Assessment Contribution Kit (SACK) on or before July 1.
Only when all employees have been given the SACK will the business be officially
acknowledged as BUST.
In order to alleviate any hardship during the changeover period, the government will
establish a Department Of Grants and Subsidies (DOGS).
It is anticipated that, by the end of the next financial year, all business will be
registered as BUST and the country will have gone to the DOGS.
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